GINORMOUS SWING HANDS WITH JEC (JIMMY CAYNE)

NINE IMP SWING GOES AGAINST JEC ON A PART SCORE (HCP ARE EVEN DIVIDED) DEAL WITH NO SIGNIFICANT DISTRIBUTIONAL FEATURES. CAN'T EVERYBODY PLAY A PART SHORE CONTRACT ON HANDS SUCH AS THESE?

#1                9 8 4 D: N            J T 6 3 V: NONE     9 2                     A K T 3 A 7                               J 6 5 2 A Q 5 4 2                     K 9 K J 6 4                         Q T 8 3 9 8                                7 6 5                    K Q T 3                    8 7                    A 7 5                   Q J 4 2

@ JEC'S TABLE W       N       E       S -          P       P      1C 1H      1N      P      P 2D      P        P      P NORTH HAS A CHOICE BETWEEN 1NT, WHICH, AFTER THEY OVERCALL, HAS A HIGHER LOWER LIMIT – 8-10 HCP, LEAVE THOSE 6'S AND RAT 7'S ALONE AND PASS THEM. THE PROBLEM WITH A TWO CLUB RAISE IS THAT N-S WILL NEVER PLAY TWO CLUBS, ONCE HAVING SHOWN THEIR FIT (THE LAW SAYS – WHEN THEY HAVE A FIT AT THE TWO LEVEL, WE HAVE A FIT AT THE TWO LEVEL AND WE DON'T WANT THEM TO PLAY IN TWO OF THEIR SUIT). BUT THEIR EXPERIENCED WEST PLAYER WAS AWARE THAT AN AUCTION THAT STARTS 1C – X – 1NT GUARANTEES A CLUB FIT, AND SO CONFIDENTLY AND BOLDLY REBID 2D. @ THEIR TABLE -      P      P      1C 1H   2C    X      P 3D   P      3H    P 4H   X      P      P P

9 IMP SWING TO OPPS WHEN JEC'S EAST PLAYER TORTURES PARTNER INTO A 5-2 FIT AFTER HAVING UNCOVERED A 4-4 BUT THEIR WEST SHOULD KNOW BETTER BECAUSE WITH 10 HCP AND THREE CARD HEART SUPPORT, EAST CAN CUE BID 3C, SO, HAVING FAILED TO CUE 3C, EAST DENIES A HAND WITH BOTH 10+ HCP AND THREE OR MORE HEARTS – SO, MAYBE WEST HAS 10 HCP WITH TWO HEARTS, A NICE JUICY HEART DOUBLETON K-J? THAT'S SURE WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE TO ME. IT'S ONE THING TO KNOW WHAT YOUR HAND IS. IT'S SOMETIMES QUITE ANOTHER TO CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM TO LET PARTNER IN ON THE DEAL.

X IS A FINE CALL 3H IS NOT, EAST NEEDS TO LEARN TO PASS, TO COMPLETE THE DESCRIPTION OF A MINIMUM ADVANCING HAND WITH 4-CARD DIAMOND SUPPORT. WHEN YOU CONTINUE SERENDIPITOUSY BIDDING ON THESE CONTESTED AUCTIONS (REMEMBER, E-W HAD WON THE BID IN 3D) YOU SHOW EITHER BETTER POINTS, BETTER SHAPE, OR BOTH.

IN A RARE DEFENSIVE LAPSE, JEC LETS 3NT MAKE – BEST DEFENSE IS TO CASH ONLY TWO SPADE WINNERS RATHER THAN ESTABLISH THE NINTH TRICK, A SPADE, FOR WEST. MUST EXIT A CLUB OR HEART AT TRICK 3. MOST ILLUMINATING AUCTION REVEALS THE KILLING OPENING LEAD AND KILLING LINE OF DEFENSE (TRUMP LEAD) AGAINST FIVE CLUBS.

WITH 14 HCP OPPOSITE 6, AND ONLY A QUASI FIT, DO YOU REALLY WANT TO DECLARER FIVE CLUBS ON A 6-3 OR 3NT? WITH A 6-4 CLUB FIT, 5 CLUBS IS AN EXCELLENT CONTRACT. YOU NEED LOTS OF TRUMP TO PLAY AT THE FIVE LEVEL WHEN THE POINTS ARE EVENLY SPLIT. WOULD BE MUCH BETTER. ACTUALLY, THE BAD LUCK WAS HEARTS GOING 5-1.

#8                    Q 8 D: W               J 9 7 4 2 V: NONE        J 9 2                        7 6 2 J 6 4 2                            T 7 5                                     A K 8 6 3 K T 8 7 6                        - - Q J 4                             A K 10 8 5 3                         A K 8 5 3                         Q T                         A Q 5 4 3                         9

@ JEC'S TABLE W N E S P P 1C 1S P(1) P 2H(2) 3D(3) X(4) P 3H(5) P 5C(6) P P P @ THEIR TABLE P P 1C 1S P(1) P 2H(2) P(3) 2N(4) P 3H(5) P 3N(6) P P(7) P

(1) WEST IS NOT EVEN REMOTELY TEMPTED TO CALL 1NT HERE – NOT ENOUGH POINTS (8-10) ARE NEEDED AFTER A ONE-LEVEL OVERCALL), NO SPADE STOPPER, SINGLETON IN OVERCALL'S SUIT ARE HORRIBLE (2) REVERSING INTO 2H, MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR E-2 TO EVER RETURN TO 2C, MEANS EAST HAS A STRONG HAND 17+ PLAYING POINTS, (AT LEAST) FOUR HEARTS, AND LONGER CLUBS: IT IS NOT ENTIRELY FORCING HERE, BECAUSE THE WEST HAND IS LIMITED BY THE INITIAL PASS (3) MY OWN THOUGHT IS THAT SOUTH HAS SOME KIND OF DEATH WISH – THIS IS NOT A FIT AUCTION AND HE COMES SALLYING IN, JUST LOOKING TO GO OFF 800 ON A PART SCORE DEAL. (4) WEST DREAMS OF PICKING UP 800 (5) EAST SAYS, OH, NO, YOU DON'T KNOW I'M 6-5, ONLY THAT I HAVE 4 (OR MORE HEARTS) LONGER CLUBS, AND A STRONG HAND – WHICH I HAVE PREVIOUSLY DESCRIBED THAT WEST WANTED TO DEFEND DIAMONDS ON – SOME SHAPES ARE NOT MEANT TO BE SHOWN. (6) TRYING TO GET BACK 400. SADLY, THE BIDDING PAINTS A PICTURE TO THE WINNING LEAD, THE CLUB, AND 5C CANNOT MAKE

(1) , (2) IBID (3) GOOD DISCIPLINED PASS ON THIS MISTFIT AUCTION. THE STRENGTH OF SOME HANDS IS NEVER MEANT TO BE SHOWN. (4) SHOWS SOME VALUES SINCE THE INITIAL PASS HAS A MAXIMUM UPPER LIMIT. (5) IBID (6) BECAUSE THIS HAND HAS LIKELY ONLY 2 TRICKS (TWO HEART RUFFS, ON THE BIDDING-INDICATED CLUB LEAD) AND SINCE THE SPADE STOPPER DOES NOT EXIST, I LIKE FOUR CLUBS BETTER. (7) OKAY, I'VE SHOWN MY HAND – IT'S STRENGTH (WHICH IS QUITE DISTRIBUTIONAL, WITH ONLY 14 VERY SOLID HCP – NONETHELESS WORTH THE AUCTION) AND IT'S SHAPE. I TRUST YOU PARTNER!

OH WHAT LESSONS WE TEACH OUR DAUGHTERS

OH WHAT LESSONS WE TEACH OUR DAUGHTERS

WHEN I WOULD BABY-SIT MY SIBLINGS DURING MY 8TH AND 9TH GRADE YEARS OF SCHOOL, UPON REACHING SOME POINT OF FRUSTRATION, I WOULD TAKE THINGS OUT ON MY YOUNGEST SISTER, MARIANNE, AND HOLD HER BY THE ANKLES, THREATENING TO FLUSH HER DOWN THE TOILET.


THESE OCCURRENCES SHE REPORTED TO MOTHER, WHO SAID, "OH, MARIANNE, MARK WOULD NEVER  DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT!


SO, DID SHE BELIEVE HER YOUNGEST DAUGHTER?  NO.


DID SHE EVEN INVESTIGATE BY CHECKING WITH GAY AND JOHN AS TO THE TRUTH OF MARIANNE'S UNEXPECTED CLAIMS?  NO.


DID SHE EVEN CONFRONT MARK WITH THE CLAIMS?  NO.


RANK HAS ITS PRIVILEGES.


- - - - -


MY WIFE, THERESA MARIE GILBERT, IS AS LOVELY A LADY AS I HAVE EVER KNOWN. SHE WORKED AS A FASHION MODEL, FOR A WHILE.


DURING HER TENURE OF EMPLOYMENT AS A FASHION MODEL, HER FATHER WOULD TELL HIS FRIENDS, IN THERESA'S PRESENCE, THAT SHE WAS A SECRETARY.  KIND OF REVEALS A THING OR TWO ABOUT A THING OR TWO.


- - - - -


SO, WE WON'T LISTEN TO THEM,
WE WON'T BE PROUD OF THEM,
WE TRY TO KEEP THEM DOWN,
OUGHT WE TO BE ENTIRELY SURPRISED
WHEN SOME OF THEM OUT THEMSELVES AS LESBIANS?
SHOULD WE BE SHOCKED WHEN THEY TRY (REPEATEDLY) TO KILL THEMSELVES?
OR ENGAGE IN PROMISCUOUS BEHAVIOR, 
AND INGEST UNCANNY AMOUNTS OF NARCOTICS,
OR ARE FOREVER RUNNNING AWAY FROM SCHOOL?


- - - - -


I THINK NOT, FOR THE MESSAGES HAVE CLEARLY BEEN SENT =
     YOU ARE NOT WORTHY
     I WON'T LISTEN TO YOU ANYWAY (THE SUICIDE ATTEMPTS NOTWITHSTANDING)
     I WON'T BE PROUD OF YOUR BEAUTY
     I WILL SLOT YOU INTO A LOW-PAYING, LOW-INFLUENCE, SUBSERVIENT ROLE,
     IN YOUR CORPORATE LIFE, AS WELL AS IN YOUR MARRIED LIFE


- - - - -


NO, WE OUGHT NOT BE SURPRISED AT ANY OF THIS.


IT IS ALL ENTIRELY PREDICTABLE.


- - - - -


ONE LAST TALE.


MY FATHER (ONCE UPON A TIME, A SCRATCH GOLLFER, AND A TEACHING PROFESSIONAL) TOOK MY SISTER TO THE GOLF COURSE, A FIRST FOR HER. 


DAD TELLS THE STORY:


FIRST HOLE, SHE HITS IT 200 YARDS, STRAIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE.


NEXT SHOT, 185, TO THE FRONT OF THE GREEN.


THEN SHE CHIPPED FOR A WHILE.


ON THE NEXT HOLE, AFTER WE TEED OFF, I CAME TO HER DRIVE (ANOTHER 200 JOB), BUT SHE WAS NOT THERE.  SHE HAD DECIDED TO WATCH THE BUTTERFLIES IN THE FLOWERS OF THE GARDEN OF THE HOUSE JUST OFF THE SECOND TEE.


AND THAT WAS THE LAST TIME SHE EVER PLAYED GOLF.

MARIANNE TELLS THE STORY:

SO I START TO TRY AND CHIP IT, BUT I'M JUST HORRIBLE.  AND I START DOUBLING OVER IN LAUGHTER, WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE STUPID FUCKER STARTS YELPING AT ME IN THAT SOPRANO VOICE, YOU KNOW THE ONE, WHEN HE IS SO ENRAGED THAT HE REALLY WANTS TO STRANGLE YOU, TO GET YOU BACK INTO LINE, AND HE YELLS, "NEVER IN ALL MY YEARS OF TEACHING HAVE I HAD A WORSE, MORE UNDISCIPLINED CHILDISH STUDENT THAN YOU.  STOP YOUR LAUGHING, AND BE SERIOUS.  GOLF IS A GAME FOR SERIOUS PEOPLE.

WELL, YEAH, SO WE TEE OF (SILENTLY ON TWO), BUT, FUCK HIM, I'M NOT PLAYING THIS STUPID GAME EVER AGAIN.

- - - - -


AND YOU THINK HE REALLY CARES FOR THE PERSONAL SAFETY OF HIS FAMILY?


THINK AGAIN.


HERE'S MY STORY.


IT'S FALL, 1964, AND WE ARE HEADING NORTHWEST OUT ROUTE 14 TO CARY COUNTRY CLUB, WHEN SOME KIDS IN A FANCY SPORTS CAR PASS US FAST AND FLIP DAD THE BIRD.  HE LOSES IT, AND RAMS HIS FOOT ON THE PEDAL, THE SPEEDOMETER IS BURIED AT 110.


FOR ME, IT WAS JUST ANOTHER EXCITING DAY EN ROUTE TO THE GOLF COURSE. HELL, HE'S MY DAD, HE'S SUPERMAN, HE'S GOD, HE CAN DO NO WRONG. I WOULD MAINTAIN THESE ATTITUDES UNTIL I CAME BACK HOME, SEEKING SHELTER FROM MY TANTRUM, IN 1983.


THE PSYCHIC ABUSE, THAT MY SIBLINGS SAW SO MANIFESTLYL EVIDENCED, AND, REST ASSURED, THESE WERE NOT THE USUAL MODUS OPERANDI - THAT IS WHY THEY STUCK OUT ALL THE MORE; THESE WERE THE RAGINGS OF A MAN OUT OF SORTS WITH HIS NATURE; A MAN IN NEED OF SPIRITUAL HEALING; A MAN IN NEED OF INSIGHT; A MAN WITH TOO LITTLE TO DO, AND TOO MUCH IMPOTENT RAGE TO BE SUPPRESSED. 


AND YET, I REMAIN THE FOCUS OF THE PATHETIC THERAPISTS THEY HAVE BEEN STEERED TO, TO TRY AND GET ME TO ACCEPT THE YOKE OF THEIR AUTHORITY, THE FALSE SHRILLNESS OF THEIR ALLEGED LOVE, AND THE AMAZING IDIOCY OF THEIR THINKING.


HOW IN THE HELL DID I EVER SPRING FROM THE LOINS OF THESE CREATURES? HOW DID ANY OF US?


GOD HELP ME, DEAR LORD JESUS, IF I CAN'T BE THE FATHER MY SON NEEDS ME TO BE, THEN LET ME BE ABSENT RATHER THAN TO SHOW THIS CALLOUS INDIFFERENCE.


IN YOUR NAME, OH LORD, I PRAY.


AMEN.

 

GONZO BRIDGE

LOSE 1.7 IMPS HERE AS 1nt MAKING THREE IS THE MORE POPULAR RESULT

1	QT7			W	N	E	S
N	J985				P	P	1D
NONE	J65			P	1N	P	2D
	A86			P	P	P
J84		9632
K42		AQ63
Q43		K2
JT43		Q92
	AK5
	T7
	AT987
	K75
2	Q74			W	N	E	S
E	Q5					P	2H
N-S	AJ852			P	3N	P	P
	KQT			P
KJ83		A965
93		A86
KQT83		64
83		8642
	T2
	KJT742
	7
	AJ75 WINNING 7.2 IMPS HERE AS NOBODY SEEMS TO KNOW HOW TO PLAY 3RD HAND HIGH, NOR TO RETURN PARTNER'S SUIT ANY MORE

JEC AFTERNOON MATCH #3 - PART SCORE / GAME SWING 13 IMPS 13-0

3	A973				W	N	E	S
S	3							1C
E-W	9762				P	1H	2D	P
	T865				P	P	P
5		QJ86
AJ64		T972						P
KJT543		A8			P	P	1D	P
97		AK3			1H	P	1S	P
	KT42				1N	P	3D	P
	KQ85				3N	P	P	P
	Q
	QJ42

JEC AFTERNOON MATCH #2 - PUSH BOARD 0-0

2	A84				W	N	E	S
E	92						1C	P
E-W	T82				1S	P	4S	P
	Q9653				P	P
T9753		KQ62
KJT		AQ73					1C	P
AQ53		K6			1S	P	4S	P
8	K5	KJ7			P	P
	J
	8654
	J974
	AT42

JEC AFTERNOON MATCH #1 - PUSH BOARD 0-0

#1	QT42				W	N	E	S
N	A8					P	1D	P
NONE	9753				1H	P	1S	P
	JT3				4S	P	P	P
KJ87		A965
KQ52		J97
6		AKQ8				P	1N	P
K742		96			2C	P	2S	P
	3				4S	P	P	P
	T643
	JT42
	AQ85

TWO MORE BIG SWINGS - SMALL SLAM/GAME : GAME MADE/GAME SET - WRONG LINE OF PLAY

24	Q J 5 4 2
W	832
NONE	J5				W	N	E	S
	764				1C	P	1D	2H
93		AKT8			P	P	2S	P
T6		K7			3D	P	3N	P
K76		AQT83			P	P
AKJT32		98
	76				1C	P	1D	2H
	AQJ954				3C	P	3H	P
	942				4D	P	6D	P
	Q5				P	P
	WHILE 3NT IS NICE AND COMFORTABLE, 6D MAKES
25	A97				W	N	E	S
D: N	KQJT					1C	P	2C
	T				P	2N	P	3N
	QT974				P	P	P
863		KJT52
876		543				1C	P	2C
AK752		9643			P	2N	P	3N
K8		5			P	P	P
	Q4
	A92
	QJ8
	AJ632